have you ever been at a place in your life when you just feel like you're dreaming?

like, you dont' even feel like you're really there. just like you're floating around, watchign the world go on whiel you just idly lay stagnant inside of your own body waiting for something different.


Have you ever felt like you're living a life that isn't really yours -- like that thigns that are happening to you right now really ca't be happening. There's no way they can be happening. It's not possible.

God, I just want ot wake up. This can't be real. It's like some kind of nightmare. but nto a scary nightmare. No, nto even a nightmare at all. it's like i'm sleepign but i can't even dream. just emptiness. Total, hollow, horrifyign silence, loneliness, and nothing. Even when I'm with my best friends i feel compeltely and utterly alone right now. like nothign really matters. i just want things to be back the way they were. Why does that have to be so hard. If they were like that before... if I was like that before... then why can't they be again. Why can't I be like I used ot be.

I'm tired of beign an asshole. I'm tired of hurting the people i love. i'm tired of being irresponsible. I'm tired of being overweight. I'm tired of being inconsiderate. I'm tired of not really having anythign in life that's definite. That's secure. I have no idea where the hell i am, much less where i'm going. All I know is what I used to be, and how much I want to be that way again. All of the thigns that I hate about myself used to not be true. Just a couple of years ago I was exactly who i wanted to be. I knew who I was. I knew that I had thigns and peopel in my life that I coudl count on. And all I have now is so much confusion and worry and fear. and the oen thing, the onyl last ltitle hope i was holding onto that I thought woudl never, ever leave me...

what do I do now. I have amazing friends. I have an amazing family. I serve an amazing God. I have someoen who loves me more than every star in the sky and would trade the rest of the world just to have me back the way I was before all of this. But what does all of that mean if I don't have myself? It means nothing.

I'm just so hollow right now. I feel like I'm not even here. I'm just a function. A cog in the machine. A piece in the puzzle. And puzzle peices don't have hearts. They dont' mean anythign on their own. Maybe once you attach a few more pieces to it, you can see part of the image and it starts to mean somethign. But just one piece? That means nothing.

God, I'm so tired. I'm tired of being such a terrible person. And I'm especially tired of pretending i'm not. There's no way that anyone who looked at my life right now would think I was a child of Christ. I'm sick. I'm a sick person, with a sick psyche, and sick actions. And I jsut want to go back. If I used to be all that I wanted ot be, why can't I be now? Nothign has changed. If anything, I'm in a place in my life now where it should be easier to be that person. And certainly more important. So why dont' I care? Why don't I just do something about it?

I want to so much. But i need help. I need help from God. I need help from my friends. I need help from...

But what reason to they have to help me? For all they know I'll jsut hurt them again. And I don't want them... her, to ahve to go through that ever again. But I know that's jsut wishful thinking. I cvan't go on the rest of my life without hurtign her again. It's impossible. But I feel like I have to. I feel like life will onyl tolerate you hurting someone a certain amount of times, and I've already done that enough to her.

God, I'm jsut so confused, and lost, and i feel so helpless. I feel like I jsut want to forget abotu it all... just accept what I've becoem and sink into it until I becoem complacent and I dont' have to worry about it anymore.

No.

No.

I can't and I won't.

I have to make this life mean somethign. I have to earn that thigns that I love back. But how many times have I said this before? How many times have I said that I can change, and that I understand, and that everything's goign ot be okay. I can't keep tellign myself that. I need someone... anyone... just to hold me. Jst tell me it'll be okay. I don't even care if they mean ti or not. I just want to hear it. It would eman so much to me even if ti meant nothign to them.

God, I'm such an idiot. Sitting in the middle of my computer lab crying my eyes out. But these tears dont' mean anything. They mean i'm sad, and a lot fo good that'll do. I can tell you exactly what's goign to happen. I'm goign to get serious. I'm goign to start doign this whole "change" thing, and mayueb I'll even do it well for a while. But I won't be able to hold on to it. I'll end up losign it all over again, and it will hurt twice as much every time.

LET ME FREE!

LET ME OTU OF THIS!

SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!

GOD, MARA, AJ, NATE, MOMMY, DADDY, ANYONE, JUST PLEASE HELP ME!

I'm so trapped. I want out so much. But I don't deserve to be helped out of this trap. I got myself into it, and if I can't get myself out, then why shoudl I expect anyone to help me. Because God knows it's goign to hurt them so much trying ot help me. I'm goign to hurt them. No matter how hard I try not to. No matter what I do or say. I'm going to hurt them.

Why can't love be enough? Why couldn't God have designed the human heart to recognize true love even when it wasn't shining very bright. Why can't it be that when two peopel love each other, everything else is just an aside. I'm not saying that it shoudl go on the way it is. I'm just sayign that love has to be enough. It has to be the only reason we need.

I just don't know any more. I don't know what ot say. I dont' know what to do. I dont' know what to think or feel. I just want to be like I used ot be. Then everyoen woudl be happy. My parents would be happy. They woudl eb proud of me. My friends woudl be happy. Mara... Mara woudl be happy. And God there's nothign I want more than that. Soemtime's I wish I coudl jsut fade out of this world. Just disappear from existence, and from everyone's memory. Like I never even existed. Then I woudl never have hurt anyone. I woudl never have let anyone down. that's all that I really want. But that's impossible.

I just want people to udnerstand my heart. I knwo it doesn't show through my actions. I'm workign on that. I'm tryign as hard as I can. I want to be responsible. I want to be healthy again. I want to never eat another bite of fast food for the rest of my life. I want to be the kidn of boyfriend that she can dream about every night, and when she thinks about she can just smile. And I want to be there for her. I want her to be able to trust me. I want to be exactly the kidn of boyfriend that I always that I was and I coudl be. What I used ot be. I want to grow up. I want to make more money. I want to be chivalrous and compassionate and selfless.

And the thign that makes me most angry, and most depressed, si that I used ot be all those things. Not even long ago. A year ago, that's hwo I was. i was the son that my parents coudl be proud of and talk abotu to all fo their friends. I was the brother that Eli and Kaela could look up to. I was the friend that AJ and Nate wanted to hang out with. I was the son of God who loved Him with every sinew of his body and was focused on nothign but servign Him. I was the man that Mara wanted ot be with for the rest of her living days, and laugh with, and cry with, and have kids with, and raise a family with, and love with every part of her heart until her very last breath. And now what am I? A scumbag. Everythign I was I've betrayed.

Please God. This is my prayer. This is the onyl thign I ask for. Let me be what I once was. Help me. Inspire me. I know these are my chocies to make, but I can't make them without Your help. And You are so willign to help me, if i would just open up the door. So here I am. I'm opening up the doors, and I'm askign you to change me, mold me, and make me new. Make me into everythign that I want to be for You. Shwo the people I love that I love them more than anythign in this world, including myself. Please, I'm begging you. From the depths of my heart, I promise You that I am so tired of betraying You and everyoen else. All I want is to mak eyou and everyoen else that I love happy. Please... please...

I want to be able to not just love, but to show my lvoe through what I do and who I am. Why is that so hard? Why can't I just change who I am to who I used to be? That's what my friends, my family, my God, and myself all want. I will. I have to. It's the onyl way I can get out of this dream. Ou tof this nothing. I just want to breathe again.